


Fall From Grace

by justhuman



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Angel Book of Days Challenge, Behind the Scenes, Gen, POV Minor Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-23
Updated: 2004-02-23
Packaged: 2017-10-28 21:25:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/312332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhuman/pseuds/justhuman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doyle's veiw of the world, once he leaves it. Through You're Welcome</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fall From Grace

_If all of the strength and all of the courage  
come and lift me from this place  
I know I can love you much better than this:  
Full of grace, full of grace._  
\- Sarah McLachlin, _Full of Grace_

~*~ October 2002 ~*~

I was alone in the cold and dark.

She was gone, and I was abandoned, missing her presence. I watched them move in the lower planes, a dance of prophesies. Jasmine had her revenge on Wolfram & Hart and Lilah, through the hand of my Cordelia. Can't say I was really angry about those two events.

To say Her ways were mysterious to me was just tipping the iceberg. Perhaps it was the cold, or maybe the dark, but as I watched events unfold among the living and the living dead, I doubted. It was a sin, but it wasn't like I could help myself. Releasing Angelus back into the world, I couldn't fathom what good would come from this, but mysterious ways.

It always came back to being alone and cold, trapped in a wasteland. Doyle had died years ago on the lower plane. Now on an upper plane I wasn't really alive and couldn't die, not even from my despair. Skip didn't even come around anymore. Faith is what I had, faith in Jasmine. When She came fully into life upon the earth, I would once again know Her glory along with everyone else. Even as the knife approached Lorne's head, I had faith.

It made me remember how I came to be with Her.

~*~ November 1999 ~*~

At first, it was only pain. Not to put too fine a point on it, but excruciating pain. It was impossible to tell if it was continuous or if I was passing out, waking up, and then passing out again. Of course, I'm not even entirely sure that passing out was an option, 'cause, ya see, I was dead. Over all, not as final as some people might have ya believe.

Right, so I was doing my heroic best to save some people that truly deserved it. While I'd like to claim it was all unselfish, truth be told, my conscience had been bothering me. Later on, floating in darkness, I was wondering if I had passed the test. The continuous pain wasn't making me feel confident about the whole operation.

Pain.  
Cold.  
Darkness.

No sounds; complete sensory deprivation. I knew what hell was, and it didn't involve anything as comforting and reassuring as demons with pitchforks and eternal flames.

It was alone.

But then She came.

She didn't have a name. To be truthful, I can't really be sure that She was a she, but that's how it seemed to me.

Everywhere all at once and there was pain again, because no human or half-human is designed to experience a god or goddess in her true form. It didn't matter that I was dying all over again, minus the actual blessed relief of dying. I had never felt pure love until that moment, and I would have volunteered to be broken a thousand-no a billion times-just to be in the ecstasy of Her presence.

It was never Her intent to harm me though. Once I understood the awesomeness of Her presence, She hid herself, in part, so that I could experience Her without dying the countless deaths of the unworthy. When the pain was gone, the cold set in like a January night in California; not really winter, but nothing like summer.

"Francis..." Her voice was sweet and, and indulgent, I guess you'd call it. Kinda like your Gran thinkin' 'bout lecturing you over taking that third slice of cake, but in the end she cuts it for ya.

"Yes, I..." What did one say to a goddess?" I'm Doyle- I mean, Francis. That is to say, my mum had me baptized Allen Francis Doyle, but I'm not sure it really took on account of the fact that I'm a half demon, and I'm probably talkin' too much about stuff you don't want to know."

"Stuff I already know, Francis, but that's okay. I know you, because I selected you from among so many others."

"Really? I mean...really?" Special? I was in some way special to a goddess?

"I gave you the visions and sent you to Angel; he has an important role to play."

I tried to put on my best poker face but was coming up empty. It was nearly impossible, or maybe totally impossible, for me to think about the visions as some kind of blessing.

"I know. They were hard on you."

Something like a hand or maybe a breeze danced across my forehead, the residual pain just vanished, and there was warmth. And, maybe it felt like the immediate afterglow of an orgasm.

"That...that was nice. I don't suppose..." I hesitated, because I had no idea what the flipping etiquette was supposed to be with a goddess; the Oracles had been hard enough.

"You want me to heal more of you. In good time all this shall come. But, Francis." There was a strange silence. "Would you prefer me to call you Doyle?"

Sudden relief washed through me, knowing that the mysterious voice was obviously someone...something... _someone_ that cared deeply about my sanity. "Yes- That is, if you want to."

"I want to." Her approval felt almost as good as Her touch. "Doyle, tell me, why are you here? Saving people is Angel's job."

"Oh, well...I had to. I had to make up in some inadequate way for the way...for the way I was a coward years ago." It seemed strange - not that any of this could be considered normal, but I wanted to apologize.

"How noble." It was a compliment from Her. The small amount of sarcasm that my faulty brain heard was simply because I wasn't good enough for Her to even walk on. I basked in it. "Doyle, _what_ am I going to do with you?"

"If you're not sure, I could give you some suggestions." I'm sure my eyes bugged out because the likes of me shouldn't have even been thinking thoughts like that about Her.

"Doyle." She smiled at me, or I thought it would be a smile if she had a face, a body. "How lucky am I to have such a devoted follower? I'm so pleased that you've joined me here, but now I need the gift of the visions to give to another."

I gasped as Her hand came down onto my chest. For a moment, burning pain outweighed the glory of Her touch.

"Now this is odd. What did you do with the visions, Doyle?"

"Er, sorry? I had the ability to do something with the visions?" It was good that I didn't actually know that while I was alive because I probably would have done somethin' with 'em.

"Well, not exactly. When you die the gift goes away."

"Yeah, and I'm-"

"Alive, in a way. I rescued you in the last moment; as long as you remain here with me, you will not suffer that final moment. The visions should still be with you."

There was quiet. What could I say? I really had no idea what could have happened to them, not like I mislaid them or anything. Still, I felt horrible for having disappointed her.

"Ah." She was smiling again with some kind of revelation.

"Ah?"

"You gave the visions to Cordelia somehow."

Oh God, how did I manage that? I loved her with all my heart, how the hell could I have fumbled so bad as to put that curse on Cordy?

"Doyle, don't worry. Now Cordelia is closer to Me and through Me, to you."

A sense of relief washed through me. It was good to know that Cordy was so much closer to the wonder that I was now experiencing. "Angel?"

"Oh, don't worry about Angel. I'm always keeping an eye on him."

And I was content.

~*~ February 2003 ~*~

My eye was on all of them, Connor and Cordy on the run. Angel and the rest, reeling from what they thought was betrayal. They simply did not understand. Although, having loved and known Cordelia myself, I kinda got their confusion. It was good that She had Connor to protect Her until the time was right.

Not that Cordy couldn't have done it on her own. I knew above all else that Cordelia was strong.

~*~ May 2000 ~*~

"Please! Send me back!" I was shouting at the white walls 'cause She's much to large to have an actual body - or maybe I'm something like a cell surrounded completely by Her. That thought almost made me forget what I was shouting about. But the chill brought me back. She was all around me, but I still felt cold. Comfortable as you please in a palace made of Her, but in this land of near death, it was always winter.

"Please!"

"Doyle, what would have happened to you if you didn't have your test, to see what you were made of?"

"I'd be down there, having my brains ripped apart, which is right and proper and all. Please, please don't make Cordy suffer like this!" Strapped to a hospital bed, with some stranger keeping an eye on her. Fat lotta good the _new_ guy was, blown up with the building and in his own hospital bed -- not helping Cordy.

"Doyle, that was unkind. Wesley isn't you, but he has a destiny of his own. His presence at Angel's side has been destined from a time before he was born. Did you know that I arranged for his parents to meet and timed his conception?"

"I'm, I'm sorry." But I wasn't, and of course She knew that. "I'm sorry that I can't be sorry. It's tough lookin' at that guy take my place, and would ya look at the job he's doing?" I sighed and sat on what passed for the floor.

"My sweet boy, Wesley could never replace you, but his role in things to come is vital. Besides," She was cajoling me, and I felt like I was being petted like a cat. How could I deny Her? "You saw Wesley take care of Cordelia when she was pregnant with the demon babies."

Probably because of my worries, curiosity overwhelmed me. "Please, tell me why you arranged that?"

"It was necessary to determine if Cordelia's body was prepared to deal with the demands that I will put on her later. Cordelia will be my greatest warrior. Trust me, Doyle, these pains that she suffers will in time serve the good. Cordelia will be my conduit into the world."

The weight of her pressed down on me, enveloping me, taking the air from my lungs, suffocating me with Her love.

~*~ February 2003 ~*~

My window on the lower planes showed the ring and the rod, which when put together was a key. I recognized that.

What was Angel going to do with it? Well it was obvious where he was going, but all he could hope to find would be Skip. Dear god, that was who he was looking for, but why? He said he wanted someone who would get their hands dirty. Skip was a little menacing but ultimately he was a divine messenger.

I followed him on his journey. There was a set of empty dank walls lit by torches, just like where I was. Why was Skip talking like this was all some kind of sting operation? The fight was something to see, and maybe I had a little thrill watching Angel kick his arrogant arse.

Poor Skip. This group could be really menacing when they got their paranoia up-which was most of the time. As Skip spoke, I could feel doubt crystallize inside me; it became something solid, something real. But the only real thing was Jasmine. This, this was blasphemy. Liar! We weren't being manipulated; we were part of a divine plan.

But there was no doubt who he was talkin' about when he said that She had no name.

~*~ December 2000 ~*~

"Angel did not just fire them." Of course he _had_. I'd watched it all, not knowing if I was more shocked than Cordy and those two poor bastards. Truth be told, I wasn't actually one hundred percent shocked. This whole not connecting with people thing was the main reason that She had sent me to the man with the Neanderthal brain in the first place.

"It's interesting that he thinks that he's protecting them by shutting them out." She was moving around me, still without real substance, but Her voice had taken on something rich and quiet that made me feel like I was slowly being buried in a blanket of snow. I could have listened to only Her voice for the rest of eternity.

"Do you have a name?" It was the first time that I had considered asking for such a thing.

"I do, but you would die a million deaths to say it."

Fear, pleasure and desire coursed through me all at once, wishing to speak it, to know Her better. "Please, what may I call you?"

"Doyle, you need no special names for me. I know your thoughts and your heart completely. I would not mistake you speaking of someone else." Her hand was upon me and with it came waves of comfort, more than I could stand.

So much so that I passed out.

~*~ February 2003 ~*~

God knew that there was no way to be sure, but I was guessing that I was as pale as Angel, listening to Skip's version of events. In another view, I could see Connor dragging a girl into the warehouse, because there was a need for innocent blood. There was something cold and hard in the boy's face that made me very afraid for that girl.

Could it all be true? Was I a dupe? What would be the point of keeping me around, what would Jasmine gain from having Allen Francis Doyle around... besides the inside low down on Angel and Cordelia.

Oh damn, had there been signs? If it was true, there had to be signs somewhere.

~*~ January 2001 ~*~

"Who is that?" Anger, it was the first time I heard it in her voice.

"Lilah Morgan. She's one of the head honchos over at Wolfram & Hart. If you let me have that last moment of my life back, I promise to go choke the shit out of her."

Cordelia was screaming in pain.

"She's _blocked_ my communication to Cordelia; who does this Lilah think she is?" Rage. I had never heard Her express a harsh emotion. Now I understood all that stuff in the Old Testament about fear and God. Even though it wasn't directed at me, I found myself curling smaller and smaller into a ball, but I could not bring myself to stop looking at the scenes below.

All the boys were out to save my Cordy, and even Fred and Dennis were doing their parts. Lorne was a nice guy; I might have stopped by his bar on one or two occasions-respectable place. Too bad about the karaoke.

"That key...I know where it goes. Skip!" Key? That stuff they were collecting was some kind of key? She was calmer now, but I stayed small, the white walls pressing in, like an avalanche about to rumble down a mountainside.

It was a few minutes before Skip appeared, but his cocksure swagger turned into a kneel as soon as he felt the tension in the room. "Master."

Again, I wished that I had my own name for Her, something to call out and comfort me when I was scared - even if it was She that was doing the scaring.

With a snap, Skip's head flew back as if She'd slapped him hard. "This is where you're going. If a vampire with a soul shows up, let him take what he wants, but make him work for it. Angel will get suspicious if things go too easily and that may cause him to take actions that will jeopardize Cordelia." Skip swung his head back into place, shaking it.

"You want me to take a dive?" There was fury in Skip's voice until he flew across the room, electricity dancing across his armor plated skin, as he slammed hard into a wall.

"Did you just question me, lower being?" He was on his knees again, head bowed low to the floor.

"No, Master. I understand what you want; I'll get the job done." Without waiting for a further reply, Skip vanished, obviously off to complete his task.

Turning back to the scene below, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as Cordelia was begging to know why the Powers would do this to her. It made me burn and want to take apart Wolfram & Hart, brick by brick.

"Don't worry about Wolfram & Hart; I have plans for them. I wasn't pleased with them in Pylea when they attempted to steal Cordelia's visions, but Cordelia is unfaltering in her devotion and pleased me. Her reward is also certain, Doyle."

"Please, you're a god; make her pain stop!" I had crossed the line and left it miles behind now, but I didn't care. It was my fault that Cordy had the visions and I was going to do everything in my power, such as it was, to protect her.

"Doyle, do you doubt me?" I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to prep my body for the wall. I didn't at all doubt that She would do as she said, but my love for Her was gettin' all mixed up with my love for Angel's merry band of demon hunters. I wanted Her to love them as much as I did. I didn't answer out loud because I knew that I just damned myself in my head.

I was pressed hard, but not painfully, against the wall, my chin forced up baring my throat. It wasn't like She was a vamp or anything like that, but every human knows that death isn't far when your neck was stretched like this. "Doyle, I love all of you. I _need_ you to be a warrior in my cause. No doubt, it needs to be wiped away. Promise me, Doyle, make a resolution, right here, right now. Swear your life, your love, your soul, and every ounce of your will, to me and my cause."

It felt like I was burning bright with fever in the icy grip of her hands. There was only one way towards salvation and life. If She had just asked me I would have just said yes without even thinking. Now it meant so much more that I was loved in spite of my flaws.

"I swear!"

~*~ February 2003 ~*~

Fuck. Fuck it all, I was confused because my love was too powerfully strong. But Connor, I couldn't let him be a part of this. The boy was a champion; the blood of the innocent shouldn't be on his hands. There must be another way. Cordelia/Jasmine had said that the natural course of things would happen in a week or two.

But there was no way for me to talk to Connor, to get through - I had tried so many times with Angel and Cordelia - hell, even Wesley and Gunn. I had no connection to the lower planes. Hell, even if I did make it through to Connor, he was too paranoid to listen to a stranger.

He needed a connection, and damn-it, that was supposed to be my job.

~*~ November 2001 ~*~

Little blondes.

They were going to be the death of Angel yet, uhm, that is again. Don't get me wrong; my own experiences with Harry had taught me all I needed to know about how your ex can twist your emotions and make a guy do things against his better judgment. Someone's always trying to eat your brains in the end.

But this-it was fucked up, to put it bluntly. Two vampires having a child, I just couldn't even begin to understand it. I looked up at Her. She'd taken on more of a shape in the last few months. It was like a flowing white whirlwind, except moving slowly - like a snow globe that had been spun around.

She smiled at me. Or the snow moved in what made me think of a smile. "You're right, Doyle. I have made all this happen. Of course, Angel and Darla also did their part."

"Oh, that night they, well... a couple of dozen times, they..."

She was laughing at me, little bells in the air. "Yes, that night, but more important was the trial where Angel tried to save Darla's life. That life did not go to waste."

Simple. Perfect. "It's a miracle."

"Yes, our boy certainly will be. When he's all grown up, he will be my conduit into the world. Then I will spread my love everywhere and bring peace to all mankind."

On my knees and not sure how I got there, all I could say was, "Amen."

~*~ February 2003 ~*~

I struggled with my promise to do Jasmine's will. Surely sitting back and allowing Connor to make this kind of mistake was not what She had meant. There was no fucking way I could let that boy be her conduit - not in this way. I needed a miracle of my own, some superhero. A little blonde slayer maybe, but Buffy was no longer on the higher planes and just as removed from me as everyone else down on earth was.

Who else?

Then it occurred to me that I did know of another little blond with a connection.

Sitting cross-legged on the floor, cause that's how all the mystics seem to do it, I thought about her, what I knew from watching the down below. Had her face in my mind, her voice in my head. Lord, this was a longshot because what were the chances that Darla was in the higher planes?

"Not as bad as you'd think, considering."

Slowly I opened my eyes and damn-it if she wasn't sitting there. "Uh, hi."

"Uh, hi? Is that what I get? You summoned me from... from I don't know, I guess you'd call it purgatory. I only ever did one good thing in my life, and somehow that qualified me to skip over hell, but didn't make me good enough for heaven."

She was beautiful and sexy. It wasn't so hard to see what Angel had fallen for. "I need your help, with your son."

"My son. My baby lived?"

"Your baby... let's just say that he went through a lot. Grew up way too early and is about to make a terrible mistake. Look, I know that you don't have a reputation for siding with what's right-"

"I want to help. I want to help my boy." She was bold and strong and filling me with hope when I had lost so much. Screw that promise I had made.

~*~ January 2002 ~*~

White, glowing, woman shaped somehow, like an exotic flower come into full bloom. Each passing moment she seemed to become more substantial, more awe-inspiring.

"This is an important day, Doyle. It is a great test for Cordelia."

"It's her birthday." I'd have liked to say that I knew that, but truth be told I knew because I had seen Wesley buying cake and presents. I'd tried very hard to hint to him what she'd like but he didn't seem to hear me.

There she was, holding Darla and Angel's boy, being the mother that I knew she could be. My breath went out in a gasp as she slammed into the cabinet, glass shattering everywhere, but at the same time, my heart rejoiced because it was Her will.

"How can I help?" For the first time, it wasn't me begging for the lives of my friends, but me volunteering to let Her will be done.

"My faithful follower. You have an important part to play in all this. Tell me Doyle, would you give of yourself for Cordelia? Would you let me take part of your essence to change and mold her into my conduit?"

"Yes, please, please take all of me and let your will be done."

"Sweet boy, to offer so much. For today, I only need the demon part of you. With that part of you and a little bit of me, we will be together with Cordelia."

I was confused, but I did not argue wisdom that was beyond me. Instead I thought of the wondrous flower that she was, mixing the imagery of O'Keefe and Rumi, drifting in the crossed lines of love, beauty, passion, the feminine, and the divine.

At first I was worried about Cordy, but even in the alternate reality her soul was coming through loud and clear. She'd been helping other people even in the world of glitz and glamour. Above all things she knew her friends and didn't abandon them. When Cordelia told Skip to demonize her, I nearly fainted, now understanding my part in this.

She was laughing at me in my head. "I've never seen you so excited, Doyle, so full of life. Tell me why?" I had no why, my joy suddenly knew no bounds. But my reply wasn't needed, and I could feel Her inside me, only with the lightest touch of her finger, taking what was me and channeling it to Cordelia. I could not see through the blinding pain, but it didn't matter. All of this was for Her greater glory. Standing in the ecstasy of God, I could no longer contain myself, much like Rumi.

"Jasmine asks Cypress with a glance/Why such intoxicated dance?/Cypress whispers in its ear/With a gentle friend I now lie." Her laughter and delight were in my ears; my enthusiasm, pouring out of me.

"You are the Jasmine. You came to me in the night in glowing white light and glory. You wrap me in your love like the flower's scent caresses the night. Oh, Jasmine, my Jasmine."

She gasped. Do gods gasp? "Doyle, we were connected to the lower plane. You've just named me in that place."

"Oh my Jasmine."

~*~ April 2003 ~*~

"I can't name myself, oh what is that smell?" The sarcasm was dripping from Darla's voice. "Christ's sake, how dense are these people anyway? Why the hell does she want to be called Jasmine anyway?"

I almost answered and then thought better of it. Sitting on one of the rocks, I propped my head in my hands and watched the down below. I wondered what they saw because all I could see was decay and corruption. The minute Jasmine came into life, the veil had been lifted from my eyes.

But Angel and his people, wasn't it everything I expected it to be? They were at peace, the world was becoming at peace. Why did it feel so wrong now--was it my own grudge because I wasn't a part of it? "Maybe we should just let it be."

Darla's arms were crossed and she was lookin' hard at me with that look that forceful women get when they're about to ream you a new one. "What?" Christ, even her eyebrow was up.

"Look, they're happy. When have you ever seen Angel happy?" This big smile crossed her face, and I knew what she was thinkin', so I cut her off. "For longer than it would take him to roll over and pass out."

"Fuck you." She sat down next to me and eyed the scene of happy, happy people. "It's a lie. If they knew it was a lie they wouldn't be happy. I'm very much a, better to rule in hell kind of woman. They don't even mind that she eats them. I was a vampire for centuries - everybody minds when you're going to eat them."

I could remember a time with my white queen, now turned winter witch, when I wouldn't have minded being eaten by her. But now I was bitter and abandoned. "The only poor sod that knows is that guy they locked up in the loony bin. Can't really blame them."

"Not the only one." There was something bitter on Darla's face.

"Who?"

"Connor, probably because he's her father. I can hear him, like a little pig in shit, finally has the family that he always wanted." There was something sad in her face; must be rough that the kid didn't seem to miss the mom he didn't know.

"I'm sorry." It wasn't like it was required, but I felt like saying it; seemed like one of us should have some comfort.

"Don't worry about it; I'm used to it. The world won't stay this way you know. They'll find a way without us."

"It's my job to worry." I looked to Darla, but she was gone, back to her eternal rest. Without other friends here on the higher planes, I was at a complete loss as to how I could do anything. Cordelia's sleeping face swam before me, cared for by a thousand hands.

And then I remembered the last time Cordelia was in a coma.

~*~ November 2003 ~*~

"Cordelia?" I had been looking for months. No, that was a lie. Right after I'd started looking, Angel found Jasmine's name, her real name. Chaos, death-nothing I could do to stop it, nothing I could do to help. And then Connor... he killed Her. Is it possible to rejoice and die at the same time, because I think I did.

I watched for a while, but something, some need, made me get up again. I needed a connection.

Cordelia didn't, or couldn't, answer my calls like Darla had. There she was, sitting against a brick wall, head buried in her knees, a window to down below next to her looking into a hospital room.

"No one by that name here. I'm just a girl trying to get back into her body."

"I know, princess." Slowly her head rose from her folded arms.

"Doyle." Her voice was breathless, so alone. God, she had been alone for so long. Before I could think of anything to say I was wrapped tight in her arms

~*~ February 2004 ~*~

"What a dumb-ass." I looked at Cordelia and couldn't help but smile.

"Princess, you've been saying that about Angel for weeks now. Doesn't exactly change anything." I hoped that I hadn't sounded harsh, but I knew where all this was leading.

"What, and we're just supposed to give up? Doyle, he changed reality once, with Buffy, taking back that entire day. It's the same pile of crap here. He _thinks_ he knows what's right and then he changes reality to suit him." I can't say it wasn't a thrill to see her all fired up, to see all those black waves get tossed behind her shoulders, that fierce look in her eyes. But I knew this road lead to disappointment.

"You're right, but there's still nothing we can do about it."

For a moment Cordelia looked like she might argue, but then she sighed and leaned against the wall.

"What are our resources?"

"What?" I was looking at her, not believing that she wouldn't just let it be.

"Resources, you know, a holocaust cloak or a wheelbarrow, anything we've got on hand." She sat down next to me, taking my hand. "Doyle, I don't believe in the Powers anymore. I don't think that someone put us here so we can figure out a way to help Angel. I know how much she hurt you; we all were hurt, but that doesn't mean we stop fighting. We just have to rely on ourselves."

I was staring at her, trying to come up with a reasonable argument, but I couldn't because this was all beyond reason. "Okay. We'll try. We've got this view port down into the lower world."

"Right, and we have each other, two great minds." God, she smiled at me and if I wasn't a sucker for a smile, no one was.

"We've got your body; there's still a connection there."

Now, she frowned. "Body, yes. Energy to animate it, no." My hand was on her back trying to rub out the memories of Jasmine sucking the life out of her.

"Energy, hard to come by." Or maybe not. "Uhm, Cordy, did I mention that I wasn't exactly dead."

"What?"

I stood up, running my hands along the cold stone, thinking of everything Jasmine had told me. "She pulled me out of that ship before my last breath. Technically, I'm alive, just barely."

"So you're like that last bit of energy, and I'm like the body, still hanging on. We should be able to make this work."

"I don't-" Cordelia cut me off with a look. "We will. I don't know how long this one breath will last us, but it's got to be long enough for a message. You should do the talking."

She frowned and got up, turning her back to me. Instinct made me get up and go to her. "Cordelia?"

Hugging herself tight, she turned a bit more, hiding herself from me. "I don't think Angel would listen to me, after all that's happened. You should do it."

I should do it, was she nuts? "Cordy, what are you thinking? As far as Angel knows, I'm dead and buried. He doesn't remember me or anything I ever told him. If I started trying to talk through your body, it ain't going to be believable. Besides, there are the others and they don't know me at all."

"Doyle, stop! Of course he remembers you! But me, god, after everything..."

My arms were around her; hadn't been brave enough until now to do it. With all my heart I still loved her. It hurt to think what I knew was on her mind. "He still loves you, Cordelia. There was something between you two before that bitch took over."

Turning in my arms, I felt her fingers gently stroking my cheek, but I refused to open my eyes. God, her fingers were damp, no doubt from my own tears. "Doyle, I could have loved you." What was left of my heart shattered into a million pieces.

But I couldn't stop loving her.

"Come, we do this together, princess. Your brains and my brawn, such as it is."

"Doyle, I have a feeling that in the end, we..."

My hand was on her chin, pulling it up so I could look into her beautiful eyes. "We've had our dramatic goodbyes. I don't know what's in store for us, but I'll be waiting for you on the other side."

With a nod of her head, Cordelia held to me tight, but looked around the place. "How?" But then her eyes got wide. "Never mind, I know how."

Her mouth tasted better than I remembered, moving against mine. Like a starving man, I licked her lips begging for the smallest scrap, and she did not deny me. Cordelia's hand pulled hard on my neck, while my fingers tangled in her hair. I saw her in her hospital bed and something like lightning passed between us.

Pain.  
Cold.  
Darkness.

But I was not alone as the last breath of life left me, fueling my Cordelia. Through her eyes I saw it all. God, Angel had kept that damn tape forever - not forgotten.

Slowly the life melted from me, the cold fading like the winter into spring. We kissed Angel, giving him what strength we could, but in the end it was our last.

Without even a gasp, her body gave its last, but it didn't matter, for we were not alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Voleuse in the Angel Book of Days Winter Challenge. Prompt: Doyle - Resolutions not kept
> 
> All my love and thanks to Wesleysgirl and Jane Davitt for their beta-ing skills and excellent advise - not to mention the handholding.


End file.
